academia | advice | alcohol | American Indians | architecture | art | artificial intelligence | Barnard | best | biography | bitcoin | blogging | broken umbrellas | candide | censorship | children's books | Columbia | comics | consciousness | cooking | crime | criticism | dance | data analysis | design | dishonesty | economics | education | energy | epistemology | error correction | essays | family | fashion | finance | food | foreign policy | futurism | games | gender | Georgia | health | history | inspiration | intellectual property | Israel | journalism | Judaism | labor | language | law | leadership | letters | literature | management | marketing | memoir | movies | music | mystery | mythology | New Mexico | New York | parenting | philosophy | photography | podcast | poetry | politics | prediction | product | productivity | programming | psychology | public transportation | publishing | puzzles | race | reading | recommendation | religion | reputation | review | RSI | Russia | sci-fi | science | sex | short stories | social justice | social media | sports | startups | statistics | teaching | technology | Texas | theater | translation | travel | trivia | tv | typography | unreliable narrators | video | video games | violence | war | weather | wordplay | writing

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

"Why I'm going to kill the president" *

I am Richard III of England, and the president killed my father. I was drunk and it seemed so easy to hit him with a stone. He vetoed the bill to establish the Second Bank of the United States. He attacked the South, ended slavery and gave the vote to blacks. He ignored my crucial campaign pamphlet and would not grant me an ambassadorship to Paris, and then God commanded me to kill him. I wanted to follow the lead of Gaetano Bresci, an anarchist who took matters into his own hands by killing King Umberto I of Italy. The ghost of William McKinley told me to do it, but I had nothing against the president--it was a warning to any president who seeks a third term. The president supernaturally caused my gall bladder adhesions, appendicitis and farting, so I vow to kill all kings, presidents, and capitalists. Killing him will draw world attention to the subjugation of Puerto Rico. His family bought their way into the presidency. He's a fascist, leftists don't want anything to do with me, and the Cubans and Russians won't take me back. He betrayed me by backing Israel in the Six-Day War--at least I think that's why. I want to do something bold and dramatic, a statement of my manhood for the world to see. I will be a hero for destroying the master conspirator against the poor. He doesn't understand the plight of the redwoods. He's continuing Nixon's war against the left, and killing him will spark the chaos we need. I am the Messiah. I was shot before anyone could learn what I planned to do at the White House with a lead pipe. I was hired to shoot blanks to create a distraction while Mexicans shot him. It is blasphemous to place 'In God We Trust' on currency. I will impress Jodie Foster like Travis Bickle did. Our president ordered us to kill him. I have emotional problems. My wife just died of cancer and I don't want to live. He restricted assault weapons, and also there's a dangerous alien mist at the White House connected by an umbilical cord to an alien in the Colorado mountains. I have never revealed my motives.

* In case there's any confusion, this is a restatement of why other people wanted to kill various presidents and presidential candidates. I wish the president a long, happy life.

Labels: , , , , , ,