Selections from Bill Simmons's Quote of the Day archive:
"Every time that I have ever tried to help a woman out, I have been incarcerated."
-- Jose Canseco on "The Surreal Life"
"It was exciting and actually a turning point in our relationship. It was exciting because it was Fenway Park."
-- Jose's ex-wife Jessica Canseco commenting on having sex in an office in Fenway
"Oh no. None of that. Sex? What are you talking about? That's crazy. Look man, I'm engaged. That would put me in trouble."
-- Viking Mewelde Moore when questioned about the activities on the boats several Vikings players chartered
"I'm not really understanding a baseball game."
-- Yao Ming on baseball
"Wells Fargo will contribute $5,000 to the 49ers Foundation to help undeserved youth in the Bay Area for every 49er touchdown scored this season. (Pause) There's going to be a lot of sad kids."
-- Joe Starkey, 49ers radio broadcaster
"This of course can in some way hurt his career as a professional ballplayer ... "
-- Ugueth Urbina's defense lawyer Jose Luis Tamayo commenting on Urbina being charged with attempted murder
"By the time we got [to Detroit], it was almost two in the morning, because ain't nothing open but hospitals, jails, and legs."
-- Raptors guard Jalen "get me off this team" Rose
"A completely magical bend of enchanting scents and flavors, with a hint of cupcakes."
-- Britney Spears on her new fragrance "Fantasy Britney Spears"
"I got cast because I did a good job. I was the actress they wanted. They didn't hire me cause they thought, 'Oh, you're hot.'"
-- Jessica Alba explaining why she was cast for the role of a scantily-clad stripper in "Sin City"
"I felt like the 'P' was coming between me and my fans. We had to simplify it. It was, you know, during concerts and half the crowd saying 'P. Diddy' and half the crowd chanting 'Diddy.' Now everybody can just chant 'Diddy.'"
-- Rapper Sean Combs explaining why he now wants to be called "Diddy" instead of "P. Diddy"
"He invited me into the house for a little bit. There he was with his tight little shorts, no shirt and his little red hat. He was doing some farming or something. He was covered in dirt. It was awesome."
-- Buffalo Bills quarterback JP Losman on meeting Brett Favre
"My season is when I get paid. I'm not doing that."
-- Yankees OF Gary Sheffield when asked if he would participate in next year's World Baseball Classic
"Why shouldn't I tell the truth? I ain't trying to get no Pepsi commercial."
--Gary Sheffield responding to negative feedback from his comments about the problems in the Yankees' clubhouse.
"If you throw at someone's head, it's very dangerous, because in the head is the brain."
-- Pudge Rodriguez to AM 1270 WXYT in Detroit.
"I hate him. Everybody says I'm supposed to be polite when I talk to you all, but I hate him. He talks too much, he doesn't make sense, he's fat, he's sloppy, he acts like he's the best thing since sliced bread. He's ugly, he stinks, his mouth stinks, his breath stinks, and basically his soul stinks, too. Not too many people have personalities like that and survive in life. I don't know how he does it."
-- Panthers DT Kris Jenkins on Warren Sapp
"I don't believe in curse. I believe you make your own destination."
-- Manny Ramirez, after winning the 2004 World Series